its all coming back~

salam~

i wanted to pour every memories i have with zira here..but..i just couldnt find the strength yet...each time i try..it started to rain..i know she never want anyone to be sad bcos of her..cause she never does..gosh..writting bout her in past tense is hard enough...i asked shida last night..is it ok if we didnt use arwah..cos it sound weird...i'm not really good in islamic..but i dont want her to sound like that cos she never dies in our head n hearts..i dont know why its hard for me to accept this..not that i cant accept the fate..its Allah's doings..her family accepts it..why can i? back then in gmi..when we just 12 gapp gilrs...we shared everything together..among all..zira was one of my bestest friend..she was my housmate..my room-mate..we shared lots of common things..we love F1..we love cars..we were drivers..last night when doing bit of prayers for her..i remember when she used to sit by my bed..i sleep early cos i always wake up when they all slept..she said..she wanted to sit there cos she can see me sleep..but then i end up cant sleep then we will borak till she's sleepy..such a good heart..there so much of memories..i cant even think of another one to starts with..she always be my bank when i'm too scared to tell mama i've overspend again..and she always lend me some..thank zira..it seem i cant ever return the favour..i am so sorry..reading her last writting on her blog..touched me..it was writen in november..bout a month ago..she said bout how grateful she was having Janna..i do envy janna..that's another superb friend i ever know...thanks janna for taking care of zira..i wish i was in your shoes..or maybe lending my hand to help both..so helpless when what u can do is just waiting for updates on the net..i wanted to text janna or call her.but i'm afraid i would just bother her..i wanted to call ibu when i knew zira was sick..but i'm too scared i dont know nicest word to console her heart..what i can do now is just crying..crying each time zira thoughts come acroos my mind..i wish i could have done something..when she came back b4 she starts her practical..she did came here..but i just got to see her for few hours..and there was acap too.so i didt really have the time with her..she gave me tje JLo perfume..at first i thought it didnt smell too good for me..but since she';s sick..i started to wear it..it make me think of her..now she's gone..i keep on staring at the bottle..wishing i could at least see her in my dreams..how pathetic i am rite? i am sorry...this is my first time loosing a friend..a friend that was close to my heart..and also to many..i didnt remember the last time i cried this hard..i am a crier..but this time..the hole i feel..is just too deep..i regret the time that i failed to pleased her..i regret the time when i had fights with her..alhamdullilah..all fight ended too well..well..that was zira..she never hold grudge..a good heart..will i ever be one? its true isnt it? Allah will take the good ones first..leaving the bad live just to see whether they would be good again..i was watching 2012 earlier..and i felt so relief zira dont have to feel those..us..we still dont know..i always pray..so that none of us would ever be there to see the world end..cos all knows it too ugly even to imagine..seeing that movie..really make me i rather die than live..but in the end they survived end of day..and the day started again..so it wasnt really end of days..

these stories..remind me of death..i always wanted it early..i always wanted it to be before my parents go..cos even when a fren died i'm like this..i cant imagine how its going to be when they'r gone..leaving me all by myself..without anyone else too look after me..i maybe look strong on the outside..i always play being strong when being with friends..its pathetic to look weak..it's an insult to womankind..thats why i hate when girls being girls..when the cant learn how to stand on their on feet..but i know..i am sometimes being fake..i do have my own soft spot..where i do need someone..someone that i dont really know who~

life is hard..life is challenging..life is scary..life is full of mysteries..life is good..life is bad..life is something that everyone wishes for it to be happily ever after..but how many really can achieve that happily ever after? has anyone ever has? questions..questions..questions...life is full of unanswered questions~

if u are reading this..thank YOU so much! i love u..i want to say now..bcause i'm afraid i wont have the chance to say it again..i am trully sorry for each n every sins and wrongs i ever do to YOU..i am just a human who is bound to do wrong things..and i do appreciate all friendship ties i ever have..even ones those i'm the one letting it loose..believe me..i am stupid to do those kind of things..but sometimes..it just for the greater good..forgive me~

its almost 3.30am now..think i better sleep now..plan to jog with alya later..

peace n out~

al-fatihah to hazirah~